Million (give or take 999,800) Mustache March

Thanks to one of the neighborhood blogs, I learned about the "Million Mustache March" taking place in the area today.  Obvs, given my fondness for scruffy hipster types, I went to check out what I hoped would be some fine displays of ironic facial hair.  The 100 or so (I'll be generous here) 200 marchers were, indeed, a scruffy little band, with ironic stick-on facial hair,

ironic chants ("occupy your upper lip"),

ironic signs,

and, unfortunately, ironic spandex.  Red spandex on men:  NOT GOOD:

But, given the dearth of cute hipsters to my liking, the best thing I saw were these non-ironically-retro-dressed Christian proselytizers along the route, who put down their pamphlets and instruments and watched in stunned silence:

The Eritrea next door

I was trying to find the number for the Eritrean Civic and Cultural Center  because I was craving some of their delicious beef and collards and wanted to know their hours.  Why the hell don't they have a website? I ended up looking for them via the AroundMe app.  To shortcut it, I just entered "Eritrean," figuring, since it was "around me," the app would find it.  Nope.  It found Eritrea. Almost 7000 miles away.  Eventually found the number for the tastiest frickin ethiopian-esque food in my neighborhood via my map function.  Go there!  Soon!

And UPDATE:  I saw my second dumbass taking a picture of the Washington Monument as his penis while running this weekend.  Not this chick:

Because he was a man.  Running tally:  2!

My monument is more unique!

I run now, and my route takes me down to the mall. Not the Texarkana Central Mall, which will cease to exist on January 25, 2032, when Jesus appears, but the National Mall. As of today, I am going to keep statistics of how many men I see while I'm running who are taking photos of the Washington Monument as their penises. Tally as of today: one. Not this guy:

or this guy:

or even this guy:

but like these guys, all of whom I found in the totally safe Google image search for "Washington Monument Penis." Apologies for not taking my own pic. I was running and didn't have my dispatching equipment with me. Though he did. Ba da bing!

Clusterfu@#k for Sanity and/or Fear

I arrived at the rally by 3rd street at around 11 am and it was already sardine territory. The stage was at 3rd street and the furthest jumbotron and speakers were at around 6th street. I got anxious, so kept moving further back through the crowd. I wandered along the mall to about 14th street or so, and there were still more people. We couldn't hear a thing but each other. But there were great signs:

And one Footloose reference:

And many, many, many pro-masturbation signs:

And several anchor baby signs:

And great costumes, including everyone's four favorite fast food icons:

and Jesus:


And, of course, Nixon and fat Elvis:

I found 11 Waldos (though only got pictures of 7 of them). Here's one:

There are many more photos (including the other 6 Waldos) on the Dispatch on Facebook.

Ain't no party like a Glenn Beck party

Glenn Beck came to Washington, DC Saturday.  Obvs, I had to go and take pictures.  We parked near GW and walked down to the mall, passing all sorts of bumper-stickered and messaged cars, including one with a discarded jeans diaper next to it:

Got to the mall and saw what I expected.  Oodles of red, white, and blue and flags a plenty:

And Reagan fetishists:

And statements that I'm/We're "not racist":

And patriotic Christians:

And, bringing, one could say, a bit of Texarkana to our nation's capitol, Christians carrying 8-foot crosses:

And a hungry Satan pregnant with Glenn Beck's child:

As I said.  Just what I was expecting.  So to speak.

Walked back towards GW and the car, where I saw t-shirts whose messages were a bit more familiar:

There were more pictures than I could/should put in this post.  If you want to see more of the pictures I took today, see the album at the Texarkana Dispatch on Facebook.

Anachronism Edition

(photo by disgruntled co-worker)

Now, I don't claim to be a vintage car expert, but this car, seen today by the FBI headquarters, looks like a Model T.  I don't think the GPS device there on the console is an original feature, though, again, I'm not a vintage car expert.

I am, however, quite good at navigating DC.  It's on a grid people!  Pshaw.  Tourists.

Tourist Trolley Trifecta

What's better than a tourist trolley?  A tourist trolley in training!

And what's better than a training tourist trolley?  One that's parked in a Metro bus only zone.

And what's better than an illegally parked training tourist trolley?  An illegally parked training tourist trolley in which the trainees are shooting the shit and eating McDonald's fries.  (No photo on this last one.  You'll just have to trust me.)

Free Enterprise is SASSy!

I totally don't get the message of this tour bus.  Take a Free Enterprise bus ride or . . . it's a bus ride?

Take a Free Enterprise bus ride because . . . buses lift you higher than airplanes?  . . . Iwo Jima?

Don't get me wrong.  I'm all in favor of free enterprise for the tourists.  One of my faves -- a free enterprise purist, if you will -- is the busker who preys on relies on the kindness of the tourists outside ESPN Zone and the Hard Rock Cafe.  I don't know his name, but I will call him SASSy:  the Short Attention Span Saxophonist.

I've heard SASSy countless times.  But I've never heard SASSy play an entire song, or even both verse and chorus of the same song.  SASSy plays about 5 bars of a song and then stops and switches to another song.  Which he'll play about 5 bars of.  His repertoire consists of about half a dozen songs, tops.  Today, I heard SASSy play less than 30 seconds of each of the following:  Sesame Street theme song, Flintstones theme song, Take Five, and one of the songs from Wizard of Oz (Ding Dong the Witch is Dead, maybe?).

SASSy sucks.  The tourists love him.  They applaud him.  They give him money, which, in the Free Enterprise system, only encourages him.  Did I say I was all in favor of free enterprise for tourists?

More Catch Up. More Ironic Signs.

Sign affixed to a building on 10th St NW, with a reflection of Ford's Theater.

Vacation without Representation

How is this 10th St. booth the perfect tchotchke-teria?  Where to start?  Next to a tourist trolley/double decker bus stop?  Check.  Steps from Ford's Theater and, more importantly, Hard Rock Cafe?  Check.  Tie dye t-shirts and fake-tagged/graffiti hats in garish colors?  Check, check, and check.  Opportunity to block sidewalk traffic while shopping?  Check.  

How is this not a perfect tchotchke-teria?  D.C. flags for sale.  Just guessing those are not top sellers.

The People, United, Will Never Be Defeated! (Irony Edition)

(photo by uncredited co-worker, to protect the innocent)

On the way back to the office after getting coffee this morning, a co-worker made me stop and watch this protest.  


Apparently this was one of a series of protests today (and this weekend) in DC.  So what was this group protesting?  A law firm in the building, according to the guy passing out flyers.  The conversation went something like this:

• Me: So, what are y'all protesting? 
• Flyer guy: This law firm.
• Co-worker:  Why?
• Flyer guy:  They're one of the biggest lobbyists there is.
• Me:  Huh?  Are you protesting the firm or its clients?
• Flyer guy:  Um . . . 
• Me:  I mean, is your problem that they lobby? Or their lobbying on behalf of a particular client?
• Flyer guy:  They lobby for the slumlords.
• Co-worker:  The slumlord trade association?
• Flyer guy:  All of them!
• Me:  So you're expressing your first amendment rights against lawyers who help people express their first amendment rights?
• Flyer Guy:  The people, united, will never be defeated!

(I made that last one up.)  Yea!  First Amendment in action!

And, yet . . . Edition

Middle school student tourist season is in full swing by the Hard Rock Cafe and ESPN Zone (and Ford's Theater, if they must).  I'm usually just annoyed by them and their refusal to comply with basic sidewalk etiquette, but this bus made me feel something new.  Pity.  Because they can fly, and yet they're stuck on this crappy bus.

Double Dirty Chai Edition

A few weeks ago I was wondering if it's possible to walk the mile or
so to work without passing a Starbucks. I don't think it is.

On walk this morning, some tourist asked a guy on street where closest
Starbucks is. He started replying, pointing one block north. At the
same time, another helpful citizen pointed out a Bux one block west.
Enjoy this photo of the one two blocks south.

Choose Waffles Edition

Another photo of random anti-abortion folks I saw during lunch today.  Are they picketing the Lincoln Waffle House?  I'll let you choose for yourself.

Horsesh@$&t Edition

Busy day at office.  Didn't have much time to take photos to dispatch evidence of the anti-abortion march in town today for Roe v Wade's b-day.  But did take this lovely aftermath one.  Enjoy.

A Holiday Carol Edition

I hate how, at this time of year, the dominant American Christian culture seems to forget that this is not a homogenous society.


If I could rewrite today:  I would have stolen the batteries and plug from the CD player down the hall before someone played Christmas music at our otherwise secular office holiday party.  Also:  on the way to the bathroom, I would have stepped on (oops!) the strands of red and green Christmas lights lying on the hall floor before they were hung up. 


And yet, what I would not have rewritten today:  seeing Scrooge.  Specifically, seeing Scrooge smoking a cigarette and drinking a coffee behind Ford's Theater before (after?  during?) a production of A Christmas Carol.  


I've previously posted a picture showing the view of the back of Ford's Theater from my office.  Today, mere minutes before the start of our office party, a co-worker looked out one of my office windows and saw this:

The windows My mad picture taking skillz are a little dirty sucky right now.  The closeup:

At this point, another co-worker banged on the window to get their attention.  It took a while, but they looked up and waved.  My mad picture taking skillz are even worse on this extreme closeup:

As the secular Tiny Tim might rewrite it:  Spirit Dedicate us, Every One!

No You Can't! Edition

My office is smack-dab in the middle of tourist hell. The trolley tours stop on the block and every middle school group in the country on its DC trip seems to congregate in front of my office building in line for either Ford's Theater or Hard Rock Cafe. The kids block the doors to the building, their chaperons give me dirty looks when I light up cigarettes in their vicinity, and their tour buses park illegally in the bus stop.

This week, I saw the back of an Angelic Tours (specializing in church and youth groups) bus, with the company logo over a "Yes We Can" slogan. But, even better, is the irony-oblivious "Yes We Can" on the door:




Bonus Lincoln Waffle House (next door to Lincoln's Death House) photo:


Love,
Jess

Lincoln Impersonator Edition

A scene from in front of Ford's Theater after work today. The arrow points to the first, of I hope many, Lincoln impersonators to be seen in the area. Yeah. I know. You can barely see him. But, in my defense, it was 99 degrees with 95% humidity, and I was wearing heels, and I only had the phone camera today, and damn if I was going to go back across the street to get a closer picture. Enjoy.

Love,

Jess