Dispatch: A Very Special Episode

A friend of the Dispatch had a recent unexpected/unwelcome proof of her fertility that she has decided to take care of in the Roe v Wade kind of way. Your Dispatcher, knowing how chocolate cake makes everything better, ordered a cake for the occasion. I was having a busy weekend though and forgot to stop by the bakery of my local Safeway (which, obvs, makes the cheapest, moistest, most delicious cakes) to order the cake. So I called in the order:

Me: I'd like to order the smallest chocolate cake with white icing you can write on.

Safeway Bakery Employee: No problem. What do you want written?

Me: "Congrats on your abortion"

SBE: Uh .... okay ....

Me: With an exclamation point.

SBE: Uh ... you want balloons on that? Flowers?

Me: Balloons! Yes, please! Make it festive!

As you see above, it's not exactly what I ordered, but it's close enough. More depersonalized but also more celebratory of Roe v Wade, generally. You know: "Yay! You can still get one of these!" And the balloons are wonderful, no? And the confetti on the sides too:

Certainly, those cracks aren't the best finishing on the cake, but it's definitely festive! The friend of the Dispatch for whom this cake was made is, like me, from Texas, where, instead of Safeway, the grocery store of choice is HEB. And she worked at HEB where this sort of cake (balloons, confetti) was called an HEB Fiesta cake. Today's lesson: Every abortion needs a Fiesta cake.

Jesus LOVES Unicorns!

Disgruntled coworker was at an amusement park in rural Pennsylvania.  Family-friendly place.  You know: no bikini tops.  NO THONGS.

He texted me: There's an airbrush studio here, any requests?  I wanted Jesus riding a unicorn, but we were limited to designs from their book.  Co-worker and I improvised and, Behold!, my new shirt:

A family-friendly airbrusher in Pennsylvania now believes this will be worn to official church functions by a my little pony-loving hipster.  Presumably with grannie pants.

Attention Hipsters!

As part of packing to move next week, I've been paring down the stuff.  The following t-shirts should be available soon at a DC-area Goodwill for you to purchase and wear ironically:

(I did climb Masada.  In 1982.)

(circa 1980)

(bought in a West Texas Goodwill, late 90s)

(math nerd!)

(My friend Laura and I got these in the early 80s at the iron-on place in the mall. 

The back has sparkle letters.)

Rainbow Sparkle Letters!  So hard to get rid of, it's taken me over 25 years!

Vacation without Representation

How is this 10th St. booth the perfect tchotchke-teria?  Where to start?  Next to a tourist trolley/double decker bus stop?  Check.  Steps from Ford's Theater and, more importantly, Hard Rock Cafe?  Check.  Tie dye t-shirts and fake-tagged/graffiti hats in garish colors?  Check, check, and check.  Opportunity to block sidewalk traffic while shopping?  Check.  

How is this not a perfect tchotchke-teria?  D.C. flags for sale.  Just guessing those are not top sellers.

Emergency Gentrification Edition

Very excited that the neighborhood farmers market is starting its season this week.  But these signs the city put up today on every tree on that block?  "EMERGENCY" just seems to be the wrong word for an event taking place weekly from April through December.  Whatevs, they're paper signs;  they won't last 8 1/2 months on a downtown tree.


In other signs of the gentrification of downtown DC around the Penn Quarter/Chinatown/Mt Vernon area:

From down the street circa September '08.  The sign is long gone, and I don't know that this is related, but there's been a lot less tranny prostitution action in the alley behind my place since I first moved here and took that photo.  In fact, haven't seen any from my balcony vantage in months.  Just the random urinator every now and then.  Ahh . . . gentrification.

Not thinking it through Edition

Unfortunate pedo-orgy window sign at the Zara store on F St:
  

In all fairness, the photo's cropped.  But still.

.

Repository Edition

The juxtaposition of the two window displays above caught my fancy.  I expect the lingerie shop window to display the myriad ways the female form may be contained, held, molded:

I don't usually expect to see the neighboring bank's window providing a similar display of containment:

Old school, no less.  Tupperware (or pyrex, to be exact).  To contain your leftovers, since you obvs don't have enough money to eat fresh anymore in this economy.

Double Dirty Chai Edition

A few weeks ago I was wondering if it's possible to walk the mile or
so to work without passing a Starbucks. I don't think it is.

On walk this morning, some tourist asked a guy on street where closest
Starbucks is. He started replying, pointing one block north. At the
same time, another helpful citizen pointed out a Bux one block west.
Enjoy this photo of the one two blocks south.

A Taste of Home Edition

Back from a great holiday weekend in Texas. In addition to the traditional Thanksgiving fare, I made sure to get in some of my "only in Texas" faves: Tex-Mex and BBQ. Preferably delivered to my car window after ordering from signs like these:

(Bill Miller's BBQ)

(Chachos)

Mortification Edition

Dull afternoon of errands at some neighborhood businesses: pharmacy, dry cleaner, hardware store, supermarket. Saw the Snuggie for Dogs at the hardware store. Part of me wants to send it to my little Dascher for Hannukah. Part of me wants to vomit.

My mortification at what our society has come to is expressed best by this boy, who let me take his picture in front of the supermarket:

Yes, he was walking down the street like that. His mom didn't seem to find as much humor in it as I did.

Glamorous Edition

No. I wasn't in the hospital today. But I was in a dressing room at Macy's in Pentagon City. Apparently after a woman who left the hospital thinking, "I think I want to go shopping."

Paradise Situated Edition

Today was delightful. Sunny, clear, 70s. I went to Eastern Market, where, amongst the locally-grown micro greens, apples!, and lamb sausage, I found an 1889 Map of Countries Mentioned in the Bible.

It's too big to fit on my scanner, so I scanned what I consider to be the good parts -- some of the insets, including the "Supposed Situation of Paradise." Click on it to see it bigger, because it is fabulous and you must. To read about the beginnings of my new obsession with maps regarding religion, click here.

New Obsession Edition

I bought a map at an antique show last weekend (american, 1857). I haven't gotten around to framing it yet, but I did scan it:


Click on it to see bigger, because IT IS AWESOME. Especially the specificity in the huge pink heathen swaths: pagan heathens and feticist heathens and buddhist heathens, oh my! Really - I've found my new obsession, and it is maps about religion, the older and crazier the better. Even the quickest of online searches on the new obsession turned up this: the 1885 "Map of Beerdom," plotting (346) saloons and (19) churches in a NYC ward. Pagans.

Tennessee Edition

Hello from a hotel in Marion, Virginia! Above was across the street from last night's hotel outside of Jackson, Tennessee. I wonder if "country" hooters means less teeth.

Driving a big ol' moving truck through Tennessee sucked. I was going to go to Dollywood, but I kept thinking "My Tennessee Mountain Home" and decided I didn't need to be driving that monstrosity on any superfluous mountains. But I did take a detour to see the World Overcomers' Church "Liberty through Jesus" statue in south Memphis:

And managed to catch this big cross while driving near Cookeville, Tennessee:



I should be at the Ikea outside D.C. tomorrow afternoon. Ah, civilization. . .
Love from the trenches,
Jess

Bar Mitzvah Edition

Today I'm going to Texarkana's first Bar Mitzvah in almost a decade. Yes, Texarkana has a synagogue, with about 35 families. We have a once-a-month visiting rabbinical student during the school year. That's Rabbi Matt above, in front of the courthouse christmas tree this last winter, with most of him in Texas and his elbow in Arkansas.

Rabbi Matt is great. The evening this photo was taken, we had played pool. All the tables were full, so we had to play these three very nice hoochie-mamas to win a table. One kept shaking her bountiful parts in front of the pocket Matt was shooting at, to distract him. At the end, when sure-shot-Matt was lining up his shot at the eight ball, the girls were all standing back watching the loss of their table and Matt looked at the shimmy-girl and asked her, "Aren't you going to try to distract me?"

Matt story #2: we went to the rodeo last fall. As we're walking around, a woman we passed said hi to me. Matt asked who she was, and I told him it was the girl who worked at the porn shop next to my loft:

The closest Texarkana has to Saks Fifth Avenue. Anyway, the porn brings me back to the bar mitzvah. In my family, it's kind of a tradition for the fun older aunt/cousin to give the young man/woman a playboy/playgirl magazine since, "Today you are a (wo)man." I had to restrain myself today from going into Le Sak's to get Texarkana's bar mitzvah his magazine.

The packing is basically done. I actually scheduled my move for Monday just so I could still be in Texarkana for the bar mitzvah tonight. So, I've had lots of time for a relatively relaxed and blogging-friendly move-out, but I'll have a probably miserable and rushed move-in. It's worth it.

Love from the trenches,
Jess

A Clean Car and a Pure Heart Edition

I had to go to WalMart today to get a packing supply not available elsewhere in town. I try to avoid Walmart on principle, but after driving around to about a half-dozen other places, I gave in. Above is a photo of the "15:13 Laser Wash" self serve car wash at the edge of the Walmart parking lot. And a closeup:

I'm beginning to see why so many local evangelical Christians don't believe in global warming. Jesus appears to be very invested in their cars, tires, and gasoline. I guess maybe next time Jesus would want me to drive around to more moving supply companies before going to Walmart.


On a different note, I think the whole pack and move thing is more stressful than I've even realized. I usually gain weight during periods of stress, but today my pants were so loose they kept falling down. I don't think I've been eating right. And that's despite being taken out several times this week for goodbye lunches and dinners by friends. You know, I may joke around about Texarkana, but I've really met some excellent people here. Anyway, starting to get sentimental, so . . .


Love from the trenches, jess

Crystals! Get your Evolution Crystals! Edition

Enjoy these clandestine photos taken this evening at Texarkana's one big bookstore: Books-a-Million. Books-a-Million is like Border's and Barnes & Nobles' in-bred redneck cousin. Anyway, special Dispatch correspondent (and co-worker Carrie's visiting sister) Emily noticed the placement of Darwin's "evolving theory" in store. That's right, in the new age section. Next to Carl Sagan.

Sometimes I wonder, what the hell am I doing here? But then I realize: it's to bring the ark-la-tex to the loyal readers of the Texarkana Dispatch.

Love from the trenches, Jessica