Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dispatch: A Very Special Episode

A friend of the Dispatch had a recent unexpected/unwelcome proof of her fertility that she has decided to take care of in the Roe v Wade kind of way. Your Dispatcher, knowing how chocolate cake makes everything better, ordered a cake for the occasion. I was having a busy weekend though and forgot to stop by the bakery of my local Safeway (which, obvs, makes the cheapest, moistest, most delicious cakes) to order the cake. So I called in the order:
Me: I'd like to order the smallest chocolate cake with white icing you can write on.
Safeway Bakery Employee: No problem. What do you want written?
Me: "Congrats on your abortion"
SBE: Uh .... okay ....
Me: With an exclamation point.
SBE: Uh ... you want balloons on that? Flowers?
Me: Balloons! Yes, please! Make it festive!
As you see above, it's not exactly what I ordered, but it's close enough. More depersonalized but also more celebratory of Roe v Wade, generally. You know: "Yay! You can still get one of these!" And the balloons are wonderful, no? And the confetti on the sides too:

Certainly, those cracks aren't the best finishing on the cake, but it's definitely festive! The friend of the Dispatch for whom this cake was made is, like me, from Texas, where, instead of Safeway, the grocery store of choice is HEB. And she worked at HEB where this sort of cake (balloons, confetti) was called an HEB Fiesta cake. Today's lesson: Every abortion needs a Fiesta cake.